Revealing

I just lost count and I don’t remember since when did I had crush with you. But I knew exactly it doesn’t happen just because of those rumor. I couldn’t remember when this odd feeling start and I refuse to have admitted it. But as time flies, it keep prove to me that I do like you.

I cried not because I am going to leave studying life, rather, it put an end for giving me excuse to meet you.

When my friend joke around me and another guy, your name run through my mind when they text “I Love You” from my cell phone.

Whenever I meet you or think of you, it keeps my lip hanging with a smile for the whole day for no reason.

Keeping track on what’s happening around you keep me going online.

My heart sink whenever I though your status no longer remain as single.

Things are getting out of my control. And this is what I fear the most. It reminds me during those haunted day whereby my soul was being chain and remote by someone. I won’t wish the same incident would happen again. I need to put a stop to all this.

Apologize as I didn’t realize the promise that I had made. I never told you how I really felt. Sometimes, I wonder whether you had the same feeling as well? Or was those just my imagination or am I being over-sensitive. The biggest problem is, you and I never mention the ‘you’ we are referring to. It might be you already have a partner as for now? Or?? What other possibility? I would never dare myself to told you it is me that you are mentioning.

I found no courage to tell you the truth. I might not be the one you are seeking though you are the cup of my tea. Would you have accept me? Or most all, could I even accept myself? I lied when I said I had manage to stand back to my feet after all these day. The truth is, I could barely withstand those critic and judgement from others.

Now, I just need the right man to be there. One and only one. One who could accept me, one who could bring help me pass through all those emotional barrel of mine, one who could love the real me as I am now, even I have a short hair cut. Are you the one? I don’t wish to ‘try and see lo’ status. My heart couldn’t bare another punch. Please forgive me for not following the word of my tongue. I do like you.

对不起

原来，我是个懦夫；

原来，我还是活在那个阴影；

不管我告诉自己我是多么的坚强，一切都是假的；

对不起，请再给我一些时间让我继续当个刺猬。

眼泪不停地留了下来，

但还是告诉自己要坚强，

别想太多，

待会儿还要工作，

不要别人看到眼红红地我

a vs b

there are lot of people in this tiny little world
lot of people with different identity and personality each
unavoidable there are some good and some bad
there are also some in between the line- the grey area
then where do you belong?

i was sensing some chemical in the air
and it would be amaze that we got those reaction sensed from facebook
obviously facebook was a very public space to publish your personal lifestyle
but am i getting those thing the other way round?
i don't think so

sometimes, we can be easily being fooled
especially when we are in the scenario
outsider can easily spotted the evil smell of it
but will the person just listen to us
worst still, friendship might be broke

so sometime, it would nice to keep our mouth shut

25th of April

i was in a bad mood
n i wanted to watch a movie badly suddenly,
then i could think of no one to accompany me.
friend, where have u been?

f@cebOoKing

告诉自己要克制，要努力准备考试，不上网，不上fb。

这星期也赶上该读的进度，给了自己借口：“上网吧”

结果，一开fb又再次那么“撞鬼”似的又看到了你的status。

忍不住的有click进去你的profile看看。

如果有天我发现你fb的status变成“in a relationship”,我会很难过，因为我喜欢上你了。

原本打算不要再上Fb了，因为想静一静，不想去追看他今天在做什么，想什么，看看过去他的照片。

结果，一开Fb就看到他的status.

别怀疑，就是那么的巧。。。。

dedication too =)

darling,
i saw a transparent you
i saw a big apple located in your heart
the apple was pretty at the 1st look
pretty, beautiful, that was what other seen
but i seen another of this apple
i saw it was empty inside
and numbers of worm eating the fruit remaining on the wall

darling, i know you are suffering sometime. and it is hard too sometime, that's life. and dar, i felt so sorry that i weren't being able to flee to your side this moment this time. i seem to alw giving you empty promise, but i really wish i could fly there. but with current situation, dar, i m sorry. i still not able to do so yet. but soon, i will work hard, for the sake of u. how i wish i could giv u a big hug and let you drain your tear on my shoulder.

ok, i promise u i won tell other if u were to cry in front of me. that is a deal =)

送给小瓜的小小心里话

是我们不尊重你们还是你们达不到我们的要求？慢慢的思考一下吧。我自己也是个新手。我也曾经很敷衍的交上我的部分。而当自己真的有认真的做时，的确出来的效果是不一样的。或许技巧上还不是那么的熟练，不是那么的精致，但是，评审是看得出做的人的用心到了哪。的确，自己一手设计出来的东西一一被别人改到面目全非真的不是滋味，我也尝试过。但是，公平的看吧，自己所做的和别人最后做出来的作品的层次是不是有差别。我也失落过，也伤心过，也认为自己真的学艺未精，还不到家。但是，真的把心放下去做事，就发现到原来自己也是做到的。当然有看到一些小瓜很用心的做，但是，别放弃，给自己机会跌倒再爬起来，或许在你爬起来时会发现到在另一头的另一片彩虹。加油！！！

我哭了

今天的我特别早起床。配妈妈去菜市回来了就一如往常的开Facebook.看着看着，终于发现真的再过不久的时间，我就要毕业了。看到阿祥哥哥的照片，越看就越Emo。不舍得感觉越来越强。想一想，我的最后一年的时间是在理华里度过的，真的不后悔，只是觉得一年的时间真的很短。以前都好期待快点毕业，现在却很不舍得。

怀念一起开会的时间，怀念开会到一半跑回家睡几个小时去墓地扫墓，怀念编辑族的传承营，怀念庆功的时刻，怀念的营地里的疯狂时刻，怀念在那么短的时间里筹备培训营，怀念被大伙儿取笑我的华语欠佳，怀念不睡觉挨义气陪舞台设计熬通宵，怀念半夜疯狂找啰哩搬东西，怀念一起尖叫的时候，我更怀念陪我一起度过这一年的朋友们，谢谢你们给了这么美丽，这么好的一份礼物。。。。

想着想着这一年里的事情，更想起昨天阿泡问的一句话：‘参加了理华一年觉得怎样？’。原谅我昨天的胡言乱语，我也不懂我怎么了，我又失控了吧？长话短说吧，我不后悔这一年的时间是这样过的，我认识了更多的新朋友，学了更多的东西，更找回了我自己。理华，谢谢你。我只悔恨为何到了最后一年才参与在其中。。。

当然，这又会说回以前我所做错过的决定。我真的错了。当然，泡泡说的对，不开心的东西就不要想了。现在我也终于发现我真的快把他忘了，遗留下的只是懊悔。因为我真的很错。我很清楚地知道那时候我是那么的无助，那么的无地自容，我尝试把自己躲起来，因为我不能面对自己。我接受不了我所做的事。我选择不哭，很努力的撑着，我就是那么的顽固。今天的我，哭了。你的那一句问题无形刺到了要害。我想起了这三年的时间，当然回忆里少了他的身影。所以，我成功摆脱了。~~~

说起来，理华是我的避难处。我自知不可以再自卑下去了，结果就从一个角落躲到另一个角落，一个我期待好久的地方。本来我真的没机会加入的，真的太谢谢Ah Ben 在我想回家的那一刻硬塞我进活动组。我很清楚我要的是什么，我想弥补-就给自己那么一次的机会接触理华，认识理华-就给自己最后的机会-所以活动组是我唯一的选择。在那个筹委成立里，我真的很好笑，什么人我都不认识，我还能撑着。直到第二次还是硬着头皮去。我真的很顽固，固执。所以进不到活动组我不会太勉强，但就不会进其他的小组咯。慢慢的，我找回自己，一步一步。

很快的，迎新的活动就完了。庆功完了，真的很不舍，不舍就那么的完了。结果又挣扎了很久才进理营。去年的理营教会了我很多很多，虽然‘艳遇，来吧！’没有我想象的那么好玩，没有我想象的疯狂，但却给了我好多好多的收获-要我说我一定说不出，因为我也忘了-但是真的有东西学到的。友人有给了些很有用的参考兼劝导。理营不像迎新那么的好玩，Topic比较Dry.当然，我还是加入了理营大家庭。其实真的看得出我犹豫不决的（筹委成立都没去-内心挣扎了很久很久）。结果，想了想，不如就选择宣传或者培训吧？宣传可以练一练在编辑族学的东东，培训组可以搞联谊，那不就有得玩~~Hihi~~。那就收风去吧。宣传满了，培训等着你来（组长很好人），课程要第二年生（我超龄了-wooo）。结果，就假死装不懂他是组长的去告诉泡泡想进培训组，放我候补，因为真的怕太Dry的东东。过后他自顾自的笑告诉我没有候补，因为现在你是第二个告诉我要进培训组的。哇靠~~自挖坟墓。算了，他是个很好的组长，所以不用紧啦。~~~

没有遗憾成为培训的一份子，认识了这些小瓜们~~佳怡-我很看好的小瓜，俊耀-被我磨到半条命的小瓜，裕顺-看起来怪里怪气的小瓜。我真的很高兴认识了你们。有点点发现泡泡很忙，所以我来教你们。结果，俊耀真的快被我逼疯了。对不起，我也不想的。因为我终于发现我自己老了，要毕业了，真的很想很想你们快点学会。结果反效果。接触最少的是裕顺，但是很开心他从很少说话到有话说^^。佳怡果然没有跌破我的眼镜，负责的培训营做得很好。而且我也没什么能教她，除了和她哈啦之外再加上一些些的激励话，我真的没什么贡献。

说实在的，我很恨，为什么理营偏偏要在浮落山背？我的结界区。一个月前的我真的过不了自己的那一关，我还想着哥哥告诉我：“人家把你说得一文不值”！不！！！！我很怕有人用异样的眼光看我。结果再次做了一个令我后悔的决定：我没去理营~筹备了自己却不去~我是不是很笨？反正后悔也没有用就不想吧。。

再说回文娱吧~~几经波折才终于成立了筹委-当上了 财政-原因想多方面接触文娱-一次过的-财政很得空的，加上是中央所以可以去每一组看他们做到怎样-却没有做到自己理想要的-因为没有组长会监督我啊。哈哈。。文娱给我的感动实在是太多太多了。大家为了有更好的节目也吵过，也挣扎过，也熬夜过，也一起没钱过（我很心疼）。大家，真的很对不起，由于要忙场地的设计，我不能去看节目的彩排。

现在连文娱也完了，原本计划的中央检讨演变成追My fm特工队。我也跟着疯。真的没有预料到他们可以疯到这个程度。当然，我也差不了多少。有点半斤八两的感觉-所以不可以笑人。哈哈。。很开心很刺激很另类的中央检讨-希望我们的庆功也可以很另类~~期待ing

昨天，理营培训组庆功去了~~超爽的。当然也很不舍得大家~~真的很不舍很不舍得~~结果就Emo了一天。一切的一切真的快到尾声了，眼见就快要毕业了~~~很开心。快乐的时光真的过得超级得快。虽然一切不能再重来，但是，这最后一年的时间的确弥补了我曾经错过的时间。谢谢每一个人给我的感动。下一篇在慢慢些想感谢的人吧~~

虽然错失了很多，曾经做出了错的决定，但是我回来了。这三年，有失也有得。看得开些就是不一样的体验。我所经历的，我会当做是个教训。我不介意跌倒，但是，我不容许自己一直在原地爬行，我会站起来。现在，我可以大大声说，‘我杨碧霞站起来了！’谢谢那个伤害过我的人，你教会了我很多，你也给从前那个自负的我一个教训。而你，现在只会是一个过客。在我身边的朋友们，即使只是一句关心的话语，还是严厉的责备，谢谢你们在我最需要你们时在我身边陪着我。

史上最最最劲爆之中央检讨

Walau.. 今天的中央检讨超级劲爆。本来约定好是在2点，天下漫画的。2点，我到了。只见到阿椿哥乖乖的呆在那里看着电脑。预了很多会迟到的。算了。结果，将近3点，我们都懂MY fm特工队会来这里附近。当当当当，就那么的巧，地点就在天下漫画店隔壁的Hong Leong Bank. 结果，我们二话不说，拿着雨伞在那边痴痴地等着他们的到来（真的中毒太深-就是为了第2届MY fm My Astro 至尊流行榜颁奖典礼）

够劲爆了哦！！wakaka第一次开会到那么的HIGH!!超爽！！！好久没那么的疯了，以后还有这样的机会吗？？我会很怀念的说。。。。。（朋友们，我不是今天特别的HIGH，控制不了，而是，我本来就很38的。Wakaka）

文娱《四故巷》

终于，忙碌了5个月的文娱完了。不后悔再次的加入了理华的特活里。也渐渐地发现我要的是什么。前期当然也没什么突发事件或什么的，最紧张莫过于筹款了。当然，我觉得，大家的运气真的很不错，就那么的赢了一万块的奖金。当然这是每个人所付出的结果。那一刻确定赢奖时，我真的很感动。大家都很紧张自己的课业，但是还是抽空去拉票。

当然，接下来就放假啦。这时间也是我最忙的事件咯。也很对不起征求组，都没有帮到多大的忙。不久就开学啦，一连串的筹备都忙得大家透不过气来了。节目组要监督节目的进展，宣传组要拼票务，工委也开始开工啦。当然，本来是场地组的我原定以为自己会很有空可以去帮舞台设计的忙。原来，这只是我愚昧的想法。杨碧霞，你也太天真了咯。原来，场外也要设计的。哇靠。晕。（泡泡你对我“真好”，我都被误会是舞台设计的了，大家，我是很没有设计细胞的东东，别太看得起我）还好有舞台设计帮我想设计，真的是帮了我一个大大的忙了。我，没创意，也很讨厌美工的东西。这次，真的没办法一定要做。不喜欢也没办法咯。原本以为可以用三四天做好。再次的，不可以说我天真了，只能说我太笨了。做做做，用了两个星期才做完。OMG。当然，我很想谢谢那些前来帮忙的筹工委们。你们的每一分钟的帮忙我都很感激。谢谢大家。

也因为都在忙场地的东东，都没有空过去看节目组做到怎样了。有点过意不去。当然，节目组都做得很好。而我们工委也是很不赖的哦。

最让我印象深刻的是在孙氏会馆的那3晚。最后一晚是最最最最最难忘的一晚，上完一间屋子时真的很感动。（大家，对不起，忽然间哥哥的到访做到大家要停工半小时）当然问题也一个个冒出来。真的很担心这些日子来舞台设计辛辛苦苦做的东西都化成灰。幸运的是，我们半夜挖到一辆超级长的大罗里。真的太疯狂了大家。那一晚的每一份感动我都会牢牢地记住的。从傍徨无助到疯狂的行为，仿佛还历历在目。
文娱当天上设计的那一刻，真的很感动。到了晚上，返回的车程，tat yeung说的那一句“谢谢”加上那红红的眼睛，真的说出了这两三个星期舞台设计和场地个忙个的辛酸。当然，我很坚强的。我等到我从palepas驾motor到konkos时才掉泪。说也奇怪，每一次的彩排和水准，彩排到《四故巷》主题曲我都会哭，唯有文娱当天却不哭。（可能怕妆会卸吧-那晚不得不化妆，黑眼圈真的好吓人）

真的很谢谢大家在我还没毕业前给我的最后一份礼物~~最后的感动~~《四故巷》是最最最最棒的~~~~

MoonTree 47

These days start busy life again. Well, I actually did date my fren on last fri. it happened that I suddenly have a talk on that day. So I postpone it to this tues. but I forget about it. How alpha am i. ha. But still we manage to meet up on that day. N too, the place was nice and got feel. Haha. I actually notice this place wen I bring our schoolmate here. Have a nice evening here. It was like having a break during these continuous busy life. I like the place. U can smell the coffee once u wen into the place. The place was right behind st Xavier there. (jalan Muntri-Moontree 47)

Happy CNY

i m not feelin happy at all....

Day 8 of 2011- emotional day

What is wrong with me? Tend to get rather emo these days.. I myself can’t even figure out an answer. There is way too many incidents that happens around me and my close fren these days.

Eventually, yesterday did wen to GH for a while. But, I din manage to get into and visit. The reason is there can’t be too many visitor per patient. But, it is still ok with me. I think I would had faint if I were to went inside. I would be way too weak that my appearance show.

I could still feel the fear inside my tiny little heart when we are climbing up the ward. I saw a patient being pushed in the bed. I din look at the person, seem not so serious. Yet, I am scared. I thought I am brave. But, I am not. So having to stay outside is good for me.

I asked myself during that time, what if during that time, when my father is spending his last few minute, I am right beside him. N I could still remembered that time I was just 13. To be more precise, it’s 12year n 3 month only. I know it at once that I can’t bear that. I would be shock.

Outside the ward with my cousin, we had a small chit chat. Now I could feel my brother feeling. The moment when he need to start bear all the responsibility of taking care of the whole family. Brother, I am sorry you need to bare those paint all these while. I keep telling myself that I need to grow up, I want to lessen your burden I had caused you. Instead of doing so, I caused more trouble to you. Now I know, sometimes we need to be patient. We mustn’t be too rush. Juz like dar dar say, don be too ‘cong dong’. Think before I act. I would have say that my past incident was a result of many issue and more importantly, it was my attitude that had caused the result.

After what had happened along the way, especially within these few year I am in university, I learned a lot. I appreciated for what had happened. Now, I would say, everything happens with a reason. N I will want myself to learn from this happening. I want to avoid from making the same mistake again.

Now, I learn to appreciate. Still, it was not too late. I am trying to spend more time with my family, especially my mother, whenever I can do so. Having too much uni activity within this year, it make me have less time available. Still, I don wan to leave regret in my uni life. So I scarify some of the time. Many thing happen, it teach me more than what my textbook had taught me about this world. Still, I am waitin to welcome the incoming with hope and optimistic.

Mum, I know u wouldn’t have read my blog, yet, I wanna tell you that I love you. Thanks for all the support and love that you had give me. I know I did hurt you badly when the incident happened. But I am glad it did happen. Now, I am back, together with my heart and soul. I am no longer being chain. Most importantly, mum, thanks for whatever things u had taught me. It come into the reality handy. Your advice in the past help me pass through these rain and storm. Also, uncle, thanks for the courage you had give me on that morning. Without those word, I wouldn’t had climb back so fast. Thanks. I do love my family, and I want to spend more times with them if possible.

Day 6 of 2011-double side of me

Today were both a enjoyin and a bad day for me. I enjoy the whole day with my fren. Bringing her all around the place where I m familiar-place i used to lurk around with. Eatin a lot of stuff which is nice n cheap. ^^ releasing stress for the 2 3rd of my day.

The worst part come wen I attend a meeting. Honestly, don feel like talkin abt it. I m so sensitive I found out. Obviously, I did regret for wat I said to the person as well. Juz like dar dar say, nex time before I even talk wen I am feelin my own temper, it is nice to chill myself down first. N listen to wat my heart say.

Day 5 of 2011-full of excitement

Today was a busy day with a lot of going around. Wen to kao cha in the morning. We went to kek lok si and Georgetown. I actually predicted tat this test run would hav assume a day time duration. Yet, my partners were all very exhausted. Especially miss Q. she had meetin til 5am in the morning. So, I decided to go thru this test run quick. So tat can get back earlier n let her hav more sleep. I was actually lucky that I had plan this test run a little bit by bringing my younger brother around the area before this in the holiday ^^

audition

Today I just came back from an audition. But not as a participant, as a judge indeed. wow, the feelin was so great. N also, I did learn something in return. At least now I know wat r the criteria tat one will look for wen they interview the person. Capability is important, but a lot of people are missing out another thing. Attitude is equivalently important. It represents yourself right in front of me without even having to refer to your intro you had juz written in the paper minutes ago. Impressive isn’t it? Now I get the meaning of wat my lecture told me a year ago. N I am glad. I wasn’t too late to realize these fact. Let juz pray that my incoming interview will be safe and sound. (prayin hard)

SteambOat for Day 2 of Year 2011

Wow, this s a great day for me as well. Having a steamboat. Well to be more precise, it is organizing a steamboat. I used to sit and home n waitin for my mum to finish cookin for me and call me. But today, it was a bit different. I m in the kitchen. Surprise.

But u still need to purchase the ingredient before u even start cookin right? N here we go, we went to an afternoon market near komtar. N we had brought the fishball worth 70 buck. Wow. It is a lot. N after all the purchasing done in both market as well as tesco, we went bac to the place where we will hav the steamboat. N start preparing.

Still, the fishball was juz nice to feed everyone n make them I would say, 80% full. So we purchase again. Well, a little bit of unplanned purchasing. I was way too stingy while my fren was too ‘da fang’-he din even check the price before he buy a thing. Wow….. I could hardly do that.

Afterall, back in kitchen. It was a busy day in kitchen for me that day. But I din help much with the clearing. My duty was to cook the soap all the while. Haha. Luckily another gal was there, or else the kitchen will be messy like hell. Still, I am a bit guilty as I need to hurried home- I am a modern Cinderella. ^^

Night fall n it’s another end of a day. This is a fun and busy day. Still, I enjoy it. The laughter of all of them who present is a compliment to us ^^

Day 1 of 2011

Today was a wonderful. What’s more, it’s the start of this year. I sense tat something good would hav happened today. N I juz did as I had expected. Cool!
After all the cleaning in the morning, which was being order by my mum to b done, not so willin to done it thought. I then wen out with my fren, jenny. Initially she juz intend to buy dress for cny. N since my mum wasn’t there, I won dare to buy any dress. Wat if the one I chosen didn’t pass her screening. Then gone case.. but still, I like tat dress =[

Then we still hav time, even after we hav wen to the 3 shoppin mall at the area- pragin, 1st avenue, komtar. Then, we decide to take a detour- round Georgetown with shuttle bus. Since it is free, we had nothing to lose since we had so much time left before dinner. Taking about meal, we did hav a big potion for lunch. The main course was so full.. we both are bloated.

Eventually the bus din follow the usual route that they took. I was curious then. Then wen we r abt to going to komtar, we saw CHING-AY. Wow man, let juz stop n hav a look. We both then stop somewhere near then hav a look. Then, something magically juz happen! The guy ask us to try. Wow. That s something we never try before. So excited! It is fun ^^

We then wen to the rapid mobile to play jenga. See, it is rather normal for us to play jenga. But hav u try play it on a bus? It is so diff. u might feel the shake of the bus mid way wen u r pullin out the block. FUN!

Even til the time of dinner, we both can still feel the pasta we had for our lunch. Still, we wen to Campbell street to hav our dinner. We order 3 thing. N guan lai, some was new try by my fren! We then decide to wen for another food trip in pulau tikus. Awaitin the day! 4 more day to go! HURRAY!!