After all this year, which i have been quiting from writing diary and blog, i have never thought that i'll once again come back again. I did experienced it once before, where my diary had been read by read by someone. Since then, i feel so insecure about keeping a diary. Well then, maybe you will ask, why i come back again after all these years? i don even have an answer to it as well. Possibly i'm more happier to spit out, or share instead, my pass and what i had experienced with someone. Somehow, i don't really remember what had happened very clearly. Some part of my memory have been erased. It just popped to nowhere to be found.
At first, i do intend to share with two of my darling about what had really happened to me. More precise, what happened between me and my ex. Off course i did told them what had happened, the essence of it, the main point. Ha. What do really happened in the meanwhile, as in like: how i met him, how i fall in love with him, how i started to have feeling to drop him and what holds me back again and again and etc.. i could hardly clearly remember every single detail. i do want to tell u guy, trust me. i just feel like i'm so dump and it really make no sense why i should mention about him, even i mention him here would have made u guys questioned me why on earth should i remember of him anymore??
I do admit me myself that he is a real sucker. What he did really bullshit and it wouldn't have been approved by anyone else. Yes, it's true that i still like him. I hope that somehow somedays he would change. If he could just be a good man and behave in a proper way, an acceptable norm which we will all accept. No matter what, that's just a dream. Eventhough you were to change to become a good man, I wouldn't be soft hearted again and fled myself toward you again. Dream shall always remain as a dream, because i knew it very clearly now that you won't change. Even until now, you didn't show a single sign of being repented. He still want to lie to me, though his lies have been revealed. Hope has been broken into pieces.
At first, i do like him, but he knew it too well that he hadn't been able to fill himself into my heart. And obviously, he is such a greedy man that he refuse to be part of me, he want to be whole of me. He want me to have him as the centre of gravity, he want to be Sun of the Earth (me). Slowly as time pass by, he was being able to grab more of my heart. Off course, he is a good predator, he knows when is the time to hunt for his food. Far before i'm awake and realise it, I'm way too deep fallen into his trap without any doubt. I'm too fond of him, especially his 'touching confession' and i'm too dependend on his presense. Bit by bit, I'm more addicted to it, the need of me towards him grew larger and larger until i have lost my mind and rationality. I deny every single negative commends about him. I defend for him, i try my very best to kept a prefect image of him. I'm so drown in this fake reality.
I followed what he told me to do. He ask me to stop working. I do it. When he ask me to stay in Penang, i did it as well. Right now when i think about it, i shouldn't have stop work, it make me stupid, my brain stop working. and maybe that is one of the reason how come i'm so dependend on him. Listening to him and trust him, no matter how ridiculous it sounds like. I even give up my studies because of him. I should have chosen other universities, at least i would have still continue my studies in science area instead of what i'm doing now.
At last, i got my universities entrance letter. I got into one of the local universities, USM. I do feel happy, because i wanted to get into it since i'm a kid. Now, it's like a dream come true. However, the course i get wasn't what i wanted. Later, the sweet dream seems to fade away bit by bit. He started to ask me to leave him with the reason that he don't want me to follow him as my life will be more and more suffer. He said he is financial unstable and bla bla bla those bullshit. i was thinking if i do love you, i won mind to go thru this with you. after all, rain will fall after drought. i beg u to let me stay. i do admit i am an arrogant person. but, when i met you, i lost my pride.
after droplet and droplet of countless tear it fell for you, i started to lost my passion towards you. what remain behind was my dependence to you. maybe it had been my habit to stay around you. when you are not there, everything felt so odd. soon, i know i shud be breaking up with you. then, i try to adapt myself with loneliness, life without you. this took a very long period of time. soon, again and again i attempt to break up with you. it fails everytime as i still need you. i just can't be hard-hearted and leave you. you promise that u will treat me better and such.. but, it just hold for few day, then few hour then few minutes... i quess u got bored with me just like how i felt about you. but u still need to have a mine to mine for resource and that give u reason to keep me, i suppose.
then, that incident happened. it make me numb. my brain stopped working for half days. i don know who is him, how do i love him. this time i'm not going to be soft hearted again. and it draw an end of 1 years and 7 months relationship. hard feeling still...
This is the first time we had a family dinner, except for my big bro, for x mas eve. If this is going to be an annual event in our family, Eastin Hotel has marked as a start to it. 
