我哭了

今天的我特别早起床。配妈妈去菜市回来了就一如往常的开Facebook.看着看着，终于发现真的再过不久的时间，我就要毕业了。看到阿祥哥哥的照片，越看就越Emo。不舍得感觉越来越强。想一想，我的最后一年的时间是在理华里度过的，真的不后悔，只是觉得一年的时间真的很短。以前都好期待快点毕业，现在却很不舍得。

怀念一起开会的时间，怀念开会到一半跑回家睡几个小时去墓地扫墓，怀念编辑族的传承营，怀念庆功的时刻，怀念的营地里的疯狂时刻，怀念在那么短的时间里筹备培训营，怀念被大伙儿取笑我的华语欠佳，怀念不睡觉挨义气陪舞台设计熬通宵，怀念半夜疯狂找啰哩搬东西，怀念一起尖叫的时候，我更怀念陪我一起度过这一年的朋友们，谢谢你们给了这么美丽，这么好的一份礼物。。。。

想着想着这一年里的事情，更想起昨天阿泡问的一句话：‘参加了理华一年觉得怎样？’。原谅我昨天的胡言乱语，我也不懂我怎么了，我又失控了吧？长话短说吧，我不后悔这一年的时间是这样过的，我认识了更多的新朋友，学了更多的东西，更找回了我自己。理华，谢谢你。我只悔恨为何到了最后一年才参与在其中。。。

当然，这又会说回以前我所做错过的决定。我真的错了。当然，泡泡说的对，不开心的东西就不要想了。现在我也终于发现我真的快把他忘了，遗留下的只是懊悔。因为我真的很错。我很清楚地知道那时候我是那么的无助，那么的无地自容，我尝试把自己躲起来，因为我不能面对自己。我接受不了我所做的事。我选择不哭，很努力的撑着，我就是那么的顽固。今天的我，哭了。你的那一句问题无形刺到了要害。我想起了这三年的时间，当然回忆里少了他的身影。所以，我成功摆脱了。~~~

说起来，理华是我的避难处。我自知不可以再自卑下去了，结果就从一个角落躲到另一个角落，一个我期待好久的地方。本来我真的没机会加入的，真的太谢谢Ah Ben 在我想回家的那一刻硬塞我进活动组。我很清楚我要的是什么，我想弥补-就给自己那么一次的机会接触理华，认识理华-就给自己最后的机会-所以活动组是我唯一的选择。在那个筹委成立里，我真的很好笑，什么人我都不认识，我还能撑着。直到第二次还是硬着头皮去。我真的很顽固，固执。所以进不到活动组我不会太勉强，但就不会进其他的小组咯。慢慢的，我找回自己，一步一步。

很快的，迎新的活动就完了。庆功完了，真的很不舍，不舍就那么的完了。结果又挣扎了很久才进理营。去年的理营教会了我很多很多，虽然‘艳遇，来吧！’没有我想象的那么好玩，没有我想象的疯狂，但却给了我好多好多的收获-要我说我一定说不出，因为我也忘了-但是真的有东西学到的。友人有给了些很有用的参考兼劝导。理营不像迎新那么的好玩，Topic比较Dry.当然，我还是加入了理营大家庭。其实真的看得出我犹豫不决的（筹委成立都没去-内心挣扎了很久很久）。结果，想了想，不如就选择宣传或者培训吧？宣传可以练一练在编辑族学的东东，培训组可以搞联谊，那不就有得玩~~Hihi~~。那就收风去吧。宣传满了，培训等着你来（组长很好人），课程要第二年生（我超龄了-wooo）。结果，就假死装不懂他是组长的去告诉泡泡想进培训组，放我候补，因为真的怕太Dry的东东。过后他自顾自的笑告诉我没有候补，因为现在你是第二个告诉我要进培训组的。哇靠~~自挖坟墓。算了，他是个很好的组长，所以不用紧啦。~~~

没有遗憾成为培训的一份子，认识了这些小瓜们~~佳怡-我很看好的小瓜，俊耀-被我磨到半条命的小瓜，裕顺-看起来怪里怪气的小瓜。我真的很高兴认识了你们。有点点发现泡泡很忙，所以我来教你们。结果，俊耀真的快被我逼疯了。对不起，我也不想的。因为我终于发现我自己老了，要毕业了，真的很想很想你们快点学会。结果反效果。接触最少的是裕顺，但是很开心他从很少说话到有话说^^。佳怡果然没有跌破我的眼镜，负责的培训营做得很好。而且我也没什么能教她，除了和她哈啦之外再加上一些些的激励话，我真的没什么贡献。

说实在的，我很恨，为什么理营偏偏要在浮落山背？我的结界区。一个月前的我真的过不了自己的那一关，我还想着哥哥告诉我：“人家把你说得一文不值”！不！！！！我很怕有人用异样的眼光看我。结果再次做了一个令我后悔的决定：我没去理营~筹备了自己却不去~我是不是很笨？反正后悔也没有用就不想吧。。

再说回文娱吧~~几经波折才终于成立了筹委-当上了 财政-原因想多方面接触文娱-一次过的-财政很得空的，加上是中央所以可以去每一组看他们做到怎样-却没有做到自己理想要的-因为没有组长会监督我啊。哈哈。。文娱给我的感动实在是太多太多了。大家为了有更好的节目也吵过，也挣扎过，也熬夜过，也一起没钱过（我很心疼）。大家，真的很对不起，由于要忙场地的设计，我不能去看节目的彩排。

现在连文娱也完了，原本计划的中央检讨演变成追My fm特工队。我也跟着疯。真的没有预料到他们可以疯到这个程度。当然，我也差不了多少。有点半斤八两的感觉-所以不可以笑人。哈哈。。很开心很刺激很另类的中央检讨-希望我们的庆功也可以很另类~~期待ing

昨天，理营培训组庆功去了~~超爽的。当然也很不舍得大家~~真的很不舍很不舍得~~结果就Emo了一天。一切的一切真的快到尾声了，眼见就快要毕业了~~~很开心。快乐的时光真的过得超级得快。虽然一切不能再重来，但是，这最后一年的时间的确弥补了我曾经错过的时间。谢谢每一个人给我的感动。下一篇在慢慢些想感谢的人吧~~

虽然错失了很多，曾经做出了错的决定，但是我回来了。这三年，有失也有得。看得开些就是不一样的体验。我所经历的，我会当做是个教训。我不介意跌倒，但是，我不容许自己一直在原地爬行，我会站起来。现在，我可以大大声说，‘我杨碧霞站起来了！’谢谢那个伤害过我的人，你教会了我很多，你也给从前那个自负的我一个教训。而你，现在只会是一个过客。在我身边的朋友们，即使只是一句关心的话语，还是严厉的责备，谢谢你们在我最需要你们时在我身边陪着我。

文娱《四故巷》

终于，忙碌了5个月的文娱完了。不后悔再次的加入了理华的特活里。也渐渐地发现我要的是什么。前期当然也没什么突发事件或什么的，最紧张莫过于筹款了。当然，我觉得，大家的运气真的很不错，就那么的赢了一万块的奖金。当然这是每个人所付出的结果。那一刻确定赢奖时，我真的很感动。大家都很紧张自己的课业，但是还是抽空去拉票。

当然，接下来就放假啦。这时间也是我最忙的事件咯。也很对不起征求组，都没有帮到多大的忙。不久就开学啦，一连串的筹备都忙得大家透不过气来了。节目组要监督节目的进展，宣传组要拼票务，工委也开始开工啦。当然，本来是场地组的我原定以为自己会很有空可以去帮舞台设计的忙。原来，这只是我愚昧的想法。杨碧霞，你也太天真了咯。原来，场外也要设计的。哇靠。晕。（泡泡你对我“真好”，我都被误会是舞台设计的了，大家，我是很没有设计细胞的东东，别太看得起我）还好有舞台设计帮我想设计，真的是帮了我一个大大的忙了。我，没创意，也很讨厌美工的东西。这次，真的没办法一定要做。不喜欢也没办法咯。原本以为可以用三四天做好。再次的，不可以说我天真了，只能说我太笨了。做做做，用了两个星期才做完。OMG。当然，我很想谢谢那些前来帮忙的筹工委们。你们的每一分钟的帮忙我都很感激。谢谢大家。

也因为都在忙场地的东东，都没有空过去看节目组做到怎样了。有点过意不去。当然，节目组都做得很好。而我们工委也是很不赖的哦。

最让我印象深刻的是在孙氏会馆的那3晚。最后一晚是最最最最最难忘的一晚，上完一间屋子时真的很感动。（大家，对不起，忽然间哥哥的到访做到大家要停工半小时）当然问题也一个个冒出来。真的很担心这些日子来舞台设计辛辛苦苦做的东西都化成灰。幸运的是，我们半夜挖到一辆超级长的大罗里。真的太疯狂了大家。那一晚的每一份感动我都会牢牢地记住的。从傍徨无助到疯狂的行为，仿佛还历历在目。
文娱当天上设计的那一刻，真的很感动。到了晚上，返回的车程，tat yeung说的那一句“谢谢”加上那红红的眼睛，真的说出了这两三个星期舞台设计和场地个忙个的辛酸。当然，我很坚强的。我等到我从palepas驾motor到konkos时才掉泪。说也奇怪，每一次的彩排和水准，彩排到《四故巷》主题曲我都会哭，唯有文娱当天却不哭。（可能怕妆会卸吧-那晚不得不化妆，黑眼圈真的好吓人）

真的很谢谢大家在我还没毕业前给我的最后一份礼物~~最后的感动~~《四故巷》是最最最最棒的~~~~

迎新

迎新一系列的活动完了，检讨完了，庆功完了。感觉消失的快七七八八了，却在现在才要写blog..怪人。

当初选择一个人参加迎新，第一次在筹委成立时，当时，我是觉得自己有够闷的，谁也不认识。也不懂为什么自己还能留下来。要在一个不完全陌生的环境待下来，不难，却也一点都不容易。

结果，我还是留了下来，待在活动组里。在一个陌生的环境里，用不同的活动做法做着同一件事情，跟自己不认识的人做着事。果真，我是有一定程度的顽固。

当然，在过程中，我很幸运，有个那么好的组长，那么的帮我。还有一群做活动的朋友们，他们都帮了我很多，感激。。

即将划上句号的曾经

曾经我以为，

我们可以经得起时间的考验，

直到好久好久。

却怎么也没想到，

这只是我单方面的想法，

我太天真了。

该有七八年了吧?

认识了好久，

甚至你的家人都认识了，

原本以为，

这种关系可以维持好久好久。

曾经我们被误会，

曾经小吵架过，

曾经每天写信给对方，

曾经每晚在同个时间等待你的电话，

曾经的曾经维持了快大半年。

曾经彼此都有小小的感觉，

曾经彼此都抗拒着这个感觉，

曾经彼此在不同的时间有了感觉，

结果还是擦肩而过。

还记得那年的圣诞夜，

那一个蜻蜓点水，

那是个迟来的一个吻，

至今还清晰的留在心底。

你面对的事情，

或许我错过了很多，

但你的改变，

我 都有看到。

在我内心的最深处，

我并不希望你是那么的恶劣，

你变了。

三年前被你利用，

初时我还朦朦胧胧不懂状况，

事后老妈说了一句‘你被利用了!’

你懂我的心有多痛吗?

你懂我挣扎了多久吗?

我不懂为何这样对我的人竟然是你。

我不想没了你，

我试着不去想，

当一只鸵鸟。

曾经我也以为我，

在你心里 是有重量的，

原来我太高估我自己了，

我太自以为是了。

三年后，

你仍然还是会旧计从使，

我心冷了。

那天很压抑脾气，

告诉了你一切，

从你的回应，

我懂你并不觉得自己做错了，

当然我也没有立场判断你的对错。

你告诉我你将离开了，

希望一切会是happy ending，

我没回应你，

我更不懂该怎么回你。

我仍然还想念以前的你，

虽然时间是回不去，

但以前的你是我最喜欢的。

如今你是你，

带着不同性格的你，

经过了我错过很多的日子，

你变了；

我似乎忘了我没资格评论你。

过去的事就让它过去吧，

以后的事以后再说，

至于‘happy ending’之说，

应该这么说吧，

ending即结束了，

既然结束了就不会再有故事了，

那你说是否还要划上句号?

thing changes

i still bear in mind that when i 'm a kid, i hardly talk with my grandma. the only time where i could have a very clear picture is when my parent when to kl. that happened when i'm in primary year 5. that is the year when my father had been diagnosed out that he was a cancer patient and need to undergoes lasertherapy.

at that time, my grandma came to our house to take care of me and my younger brother. previously, i thot that my grandma don like me. it happens that this is the truth as my mom approve my prediction. however, i still love my grandma. during that 2 years, grandma is one who take care of me. day by day, i would have hot herbal soup when i walked back home. how sweet is that and i alw belive that it's that herbal soup which make my body stronger and get to see the doctor lesser. this habit make me prefer to have soup included in my meal.

eventually, my dad pass away. then my grandma goes back to her own position again as we have my mom back.

it alw seems to me take that my grandma are someone who is very strict and quiet. but now she is somehow, different.

the moment when my grandma knew that i being cheat by tat guy, she phoned me. actually, i felt very embarassed. i didn't know how was i suppose to meet up my grandma again as well as my cousins brother sister. i try to avoid meeting them. luckily, we didn't have any gathering and my cousin sister was having her spm, so we all met rather late. by the time we met, i'm somehow a little bit more brave. ha =]

we actually met when we are doing 'tang yuan' at my grandma house. still, i feel a little bit odd, embarass and shy to be in there. yet, i'm glad that no one did mention anything about it. that day, my grandma look at me with her face stick so close to me. i'm shock n it's funny. she smile at me. i could always remember that expression.

then, 2 days back, i bring my mom to grandma house again. this time, she touch my hair!! what a suprise!! then i heard it clealy from her mouth. this time, she know that that bullshit cheat my money as well. i knew that she love me and she feel so hurt that i'm being fooled. i try to tilt my head and see my mum reaction as i'm sitted betweeen them. i saw tears in my mom eyes, i observe her facial expression. i know she has been trying her very best not to drop it as much as i do.

i felt so sorry for everyone of my family members. you all suffer because of my fault. i felt guilty as i bring so much trouble to all of u. why should i be that sturborn and not listen to you guys?! what have i done. i have been punished now. and i have to be strong inside myself. i shouldn't have let the past traumatise my present.

shall we all awaits what challenges will i be undertaking?!

Loneliness

For once,
You were the centre of my life,

Day by day,

Hour by hour,

minute by minutes,

I'm more drown in love.

I need your existence to be alive,

I need your hug to keep me warm,

I need your speech to console my broken heart,

I need your present to feel secure, feel love.

It ends up that,

everything is a lie.

Out of a sudden,

everything become sepia,

I become numb as you were like a stranger to me.

Life without you,

I thought I won't be able to get use to.

It turns out that,

I need you to 'supply' me love.

Plus,

I need you to chase away my loneliness.

I'm glad,

I still have my family members around me.

They are the one who accompany to go through this sorrow path.

I start to replace them into the core of my heart.

I wish I have the courage,

to tell you all that how much I love you all.

What remains now is,

endless pain and sorrow and;

Loneliness....

May I have the strength to defeat it,

standing back to the stage which belong to me;

with Pride.

L-O-V-E is drug

After all this year, which i have been quiting from writing diary and blog, i have never thought that i'll once again come back again. I did experienced it once before, where my diary had been read by read by someone. Since then, i feel so insecure about keeping a diary. Well then, maybe you will ask, why i come back again after all these years? i don even have an answer to it as well. Possibly i'm more happier to spit out, or share instead, my pass and what i had experienced with someone. Somehow, i don't really remember what had happened very clearly. Some part of my memory have been erased. It just popped to nowhere to be found.

At first, i do intend to share with two of my darling about what had really happened to me. More precise, what happened between me and my ex. Off course i did told them what had happened, the essence of it, the main point. Ha. What do really happened in the meanwhile, as in like: how i met him, how i fall in love with him, how i started to have feeling to drop him and what holds me back again and again and etc.. i could hardly clearly remember every single detail. i do want to tell u guy, trust me. i just feel like i'm so dump and it really make no sense why i should mention about him, even i mention him here would have made u guys questioned me why on earth should i remember of him anymore??

I do admit me myself that he is a real sucker. What he did really bullshit and it wouldn't have been approved by anyone else. Yes, it's true that i still like him. I hope that somehow somedays he would change. If he could just be a good man and behave in a proper way, an acceptable norm which we will all accept. No matter what, that's just a dream. Eventhough you were to change to become a good man, I wouldn't be soft hearted again and fled myself toward you again. Dream shall always remain as a dream, because i knew it very clearly now that you won't change. Even until now, you didn't show a single sign of being repented. He still want to lie to me, though his lies have been revealed. Hope has been broken into pieces.

At first, i do like him, but he knew it too well that he hadn't been able to fill himself into my heart. And obviously, he is such a greedy man that he refuse to be part of me, he want to be whole of me. He want me to have him as the centre of gravity, he want to be Sun of the Earth (me). Slowly as time pass by, he was being able to grab more of my heart. Off course, he is a good predator, he knows when is the time to hunt for his food. Far before i'm awake and realise it, I'm way too deep fallen into his trap without any doubt. I'm too fond of him, especially his 'touching confession' and i'm too dependend on his presense. Bit by bit, I'm more addicted to it, the need of me towards him grew larger and larger until i have lost my mind and rationality. I deny every single negative commends about him. I defend for him, i try my very best to kept a prefect image of him. I'm so drown in this fake reality.

I followed what he told me to do. He ask me to stop working. I do it. When he ask me to stay in Penang, i did it as well. Right now when i think about it, i shouldn't have stop work, it make me stupid, my brain stop working. and maybe that is one of the reason how come i'm so dependend on him. Listening to him and trust him, no matter how ridiculous it sounds like. I even give up my studies because of him. I should have chosen other universities, at least i would have still continue my studies in science area instead of what i'm doing now.

At last, i got my universities entrance letter. I got into one of the local universities, USM. I do feel happy, because i wanted to get into it since i'm a kid. Now, it's like a dream come true. However, the course i get wasn't what i wanted. Later, the sweet dream seems to fade away bit by bit. He started to ask me to leave him with the reason that he don't want me to follow him as my life will be more and more suffer. He said he is financial unstable and bla bla bla those bullshit. i was thinking if i do love you, i won mind to go thru this with you. after all, rain will fall after drought. i beg u to let me stay. i do admit i am an arrogant person. but, when i met you, i lost my pride.

after droplet and droplet of countless tear it fell for you, i started to lost my passion towards you. what remain behind was my dependence to you. maybe it had been my habit to stay around you. when you are not there, everything felt so odd. soon, i know i shud be breaking up with you. then, i try to adapt myself with loneliness, life without you. this took a very long period of time. soon, again and again i attempt to break up with you. it fails everytime as i still need you. i just can't be hard-hearted and leave you. you promise that u will treat me better and such.. but, it just hold for few day, then few hour then few minutes... i quess u got bored with me just like how i felt about you. but u still need to have a mine to mine for resource and that give u reason to keep me, i suppose.

then, that incident happened. it make me numb. my brain stopped working for half days. i don know who is him, how do i love him. this time i'm not going to be soft hearted again. and it draw an end of 1 years and 7 months relationship. hard feeling still...

让人流泪的过去

今天我终于还我的‘老妈’还有一位美女说了她们期待已久的故事---我和前男友分手的事。
老实说吧，我真的忍下了掉泪的冲动。忍着不是怕在她们面前露出懦弱的一面，而是他并不值得我再去为了他而流泪。就如她们所说的吧，都那么多年的朋友了，不需要 那么的客气了。
再者，我为了他，已经丢尽了我的颜面。我不想也不会让我自己倒下。我要重新再站起来， 为了我自己。以前，他是我的中心点。现在，我要为了自己而活。即使前方的路有多难我还是会走下去。大不了，又再跌倒而已。
他会是个回忆吗?或许吧?当我说起他时，我是没有感觉，就好像是在说事不关己的故事而已。可是，在我心里的某个部分，在某个时候，都会不由自主的想起他。压抑不了。
最怕的事---遇见他。我该怎么反应?打电话找哥哥吗?当作见不到他吗?骂他?这个可能性最小。以前我的世界都是围绕着他在转，一瞬间却发现，这一切的一切都是一场梦。童话世界崩落了，留下的只有残酷的事实。我依旧还是会想他，不同的是，我不会再心软回头了。心好痛好痛，却怎么也找不到解药。不定时的酸痛感好辛苦。